Sound Off Sam 11 – T***P

Hi folks,

I’ve been wrapping myself in my morning comfort blanket to make me feel less anxious and insecure. The world seems a much better place for the hour I spend with the lovely Lorraine Kelly each morning.

Our governments continue to throw us Coronavirus curve balls at the rate of a malfunctioning baseball pitching machine, the route map out of lockdown has been shredded and we’re now bombarded with a scattershot of rules and guidelines. None of which are hitting the fast moving Coronavirus target. But they are hitting my taxi cab takings hard. My future livelihood as a Personal Transport Professional is naturally a concern but it’s not my biggest worry at the moment.

Susie has found somebody else. And it’s my own fault. I introduced them to each other.

I hoped they would get on but I didn’t expect to end up playing gooseberry. At first I was invited along to the coffee shop meets but I soon found myself peripheral to conversation. Now. I’m just invited out of politeness. I know I shouldn’t feel insecure. I should be happy they have found each other. After all, I know as well as anyone how inspirational the new person in Susie’s life is.

My mum is way more hip than my dad. Fortunately, her open mindedness has dragged some of my dad’s thinking into the 21st Century. Whilst my dad steered himself into a 1970s cultural cul-de-sac, my mum absorbed punk ideas and has moved with the times ever since. She still loves The Clash but her new favourite new band is Fontaines D.C.

Dad complains about the racket from the stereo but it gives him another good excuse to grumble. He should be grateful for mum’s modernity.  If it wasn’t for her he would be a sad 70s parody –  an ageing cross between Rod Stewart and Dick Emery.

The thing is, I totally get why Susie enjoys spending time with my mum. My Sound Off style is definitely influenced by her ideas.  Read on for my latest (cabbie-punter privilege applied)…

“Where to, Sir?”

“No problem, won’t take long today.”

“Yeah, very quiet. Journey’s are quick but business is slower than a vote count in a key swing state.”

“No idea either. But I know I owe Uncle Hamish an apology.”

“I likened Trump to him which I deeply regret. That is a whole new level of insult which a slightly mad Uncle doesn’t deserve.”

“Well, cos it’s a swear word it won’t be in the dictionary but it would be given a new colour on the insult spectrum.”

“Think of insults as colours. A mild insult would be a light shade of yellow and the most offensive insult bright red.”

“Yeah, numpty is a good yellow word.”

“Yep, both of those.”

“Eejit is my favourite. I use that a lot. Especially when I’m out with my dad.”

“Yeah, then it moves to Orange when parts of the anatomy are used to cause mild offence.”

“Yeah, that’s an orange insult.”

“Yeah, Orange.”

“Crikey, you’re on a roll.”

“Hold it there. You’ve now crossed into red.”

“No need to apologise.”

“Well, previously it ended with the ‘C’ word which is bright red, like a post box.”

“Now it’s extended way beyond to include the ‘T’ word and a new shade of dark red.”

“Trump…excuse my language.”

“No, it’s not an everyday swear word. You would only bring out for maximum effect.”

“So, imagine you’re talking about somebody that’s nasty and horrible with no redeeming qualities.”

“Right, that person would be a “total Trump”. Or if somebody has seriously upset you, you could say: You’re a complete Trump.”

“Oh, it would need to be really, really serious to fire off the ‘T’ word.

“Yeah, in that context it would be deserved.”

“That too.”

“No, too extreme for that situation.”

“That sits at the old end of the spectrum. You’d want to tone that down to a Farage.”

“Let me think….‘What a Hancock’ would be yellow.”

“She’s definitely Orange.”

“It doesn’t have to be.  You could use any politician to level an insult. Left wing or right wing doesn’t matter, even the ones in the centre.”

“Haha. What was it they called him…Paddy Pantsdown.”

“Yeah, their brains definitely work differently. They all show signs of Politician Spectrum Disorder.”

“No, it’s not recognised medically but it should be. Every politician suffers from it.”

“Yep, every one of them. Name another.”

“Gordon Brown is yellow, like if somebody tried to do the right thing but it went embarrassingly wrong you would say: You made a right a Gordon of that.”

“Oh! Blair! He’s still moving along the spectrum. He was just very good at disguising the extreme signs.”

“Deep into Red now.”

“No,  it’s not something that can be cured. But they should all get access to free therapy. Actually, this has given me an idea.”

“No, medicine is not for me. I’m born to be behind the wheel. I’m thinking my sponsors at Taxi! Board Game should launch a Westminster edition.”

“They already sell city editions and they’ve just launched new editions for Manchester and Liverpool.”

“Great fun. Best board game of 2020. I’m hoping to get a new edition in my Christmas stocking.”

“Size 11s. Here we are, sir. That’ll be £6 please.”





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