Hi folks

I’m not my usual self at the moment. Normally, I keep my deepest feelings to myself but, lately, I seem unable to quell my emotions. I’ve never before felt this way for anybody. Ever. Not even for Lorraine.

Feelings of ardour I have felt gently simmer inside during lockdown are bubbling over. I can’t concentrate on simple tasks. My head goes round and round, my knees are shaking badly and my heart?  It beats like a drum. It feels like…it feels like I’m in… a different time dimension to everybody else. The passing of the days, hours and minutes to my next rendezvous with my beloved happens conversely to the heightening of my feelings of excited anticipation, as if the force of my emotions has slowed the spinning of my world on its axis.

Despite the emotional distraction, my professionalism ensures the safety of my punters at all times. I’m not going to run a red light whilst daydreaming of hands running gently through my hair and a soothing voice whispering in my ear. My Sound Offs may be a little less sharp and lot more sentimental but my driving, unlike my emotions, remains completely under control.

Only once in my entire Personal Transport career have I let my professionalism drop below the high standards I set myself. I’m ashamed to admit I knowingly took a route with roadworks to increase the journey time.  The fact that it was a Very Important Punter is not an excuse. Lorraine should have received my highest standard of service.

To prevent another lapse in professional judgement, I’m using my discovery of poetry during lockdown as an outlet for my overflow of feelings. This is titled Beloved:

Waiting to meet you time feels so slow

Waiting to meet you life is in slow mo

Longing to feel your fingers in my hair

Yearning to hear your voice in my ear

Damping my ardour becomes ever harder

Waiting for an appointment with you, my beloved barber

I think learning to express my feelings in this way has helped sharpen up my Sound Offs. Judge for yourself…

“Where to, sir?”

“Edminston Drive, here we come. Help yourself to a squirt of hand sanitiser. I like your face mask, by the way. Did you design it yourself?”

“Looks cool. Shows personality unlike the green medical ones…although…when I wore one I liked to think I looked a bit like an ER era George Clooney.”

“That’s a bit cheeky.”

“No need to apologise. My dad said something similar but he wasn’t as polite. Said I looked more Looney than Clooney.”

“Ha-ha. Strangely enough I said something similar back to him.”

“Compared him to George from George and Mildred.”

“You know the 1970’s sitcom.”

“No, it won’t have aged well. They’ll be removing it from the archives as we speak.”

“Yeah, he is a bit. He still listens to Rod Stewart on vinyl and most of his jokes could still make it into a George and Mildred script. The Looney/Clooney joke is actually quite funny for my dad.”

“Have you met him? He thinks its hilarious. It ruins my mum’s Saturday evenings and my Christmas Night.”

“Cos he forces us both to watch the Christmas special after we’ve finished playing the newest edition of Taxi! Board Game.”

“Oh. It’s torture TV. As funny as a persistent cough in a pandemic…is it okay to make jokes about Coronavirus?”

“Absolutely but we need more from politicians than sticking plasters and sloganeering to move to this new normal. They seem to come up with a slogan and photo op first and then design a policy around it. They need to think bigger. They need to use more imagination. They need to create a vision that offers a brighter future in the new normal. A vision of how we work, how we play, how we stay healthy, how we travel, how we educate …Oh…and critically…a vision of a new normal with Mrs Brown’s Boys banished from TV schedules.”

“OK, maybe I’m expecting a bit much there. What about banning it from Christmas TV only?”

“No, it shouldn’t be too hard for the Beeb to come up with a new festive schedule. Football has had to reschedule their fixture calendar for two seasons because of Coronavirus.”

“Yeah, I think it has been. There’s even a new term they’re using – calendar hardship. And it’s been even harder in Scotland.”

“Well, the Scottish FA want to finish last season’s Scottish Cup so they’re determined to fit the delayed semi-finals and finals into the calendar.”

“Celtic and Aberdeen play each other and Hearts and Hibs are in the other semi which is great for my sponsors at Taxi! Board Game.”

“They have editions of the game for those four clubs. It’ll give them a few new questions to include in updated editions.”

“Funny you should ask. A Rangers edition will be launched later this year. Look out for it online and in shops soon.“

“Yeah,  that’s my Christmas Night already taken care of… unless the politicians give me a reprieve.”

“Right. Here we are. Edmiston Drive.That’ll be £6 please.”