Hi folks<\/p>\n
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I\u2019m not my usual self at the moment. Normally, I keep my deepest feelings to myself but, lately, I seem unable to quell my emotions. I\u2019ve never before felt this way for anybody. Ever. Not even for Lorraine.<\/p>\n
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Feelings of ardour I have felt gently simmer inside during lockdown are bubbling over. I can\u2019t concentrate on simple tasks. My head goes round and round, my knees are shaking badly and my heart?\u00a0 It beats like a drum. It feels like\u2026it feels like I\u2019m in… a different time dimension to everybody else. The passing of the days, hours and minutes to my next rendezvous with my beloved happens conversely to the heightening of my feelings of excited anticipation, as if the force of my emotions has slowed the spinning of my world on its axis.<\/p>\n
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Despite the emotional distraction, my professionalism ensures the safety of my punters at all times. I\u2019m not going to run a red light whilst daydreaming of hands running gently through my hair and a soothing voice whispering in my ear. My Sound Offs may be a little less sharp and lot more sentimental but my driving, unlike my emotions, remains completely under control.<\/p>\n
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Only once in my entire Personal Transport career have I let my professionalism drop below the high standards I set myself. I\u2019m ashamed to admit I knowingly took a route with roadworks to increase the journey time.\u00a0 The fact that it was a Very Important Punter is not an excuse. Lorraine should have received my highest standard of service.<\/p>\n
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To prevent another lapse in professional judgement, I\u2019m using my discovery of poetry during lockdown as an outlet for my overflow of feelings. This is titled Beloved:<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Waiting to meet you time feels so slow<\/em><\/p>\n Waiting to meet you life is in slow mo<\/em><\/p>\n Longing to feel your fingers in my hair<\/em><\/p>\n Yearning to hear your voice in my ear<\/em><\/p>\n Damping my ardour becomes ever harder<\/em><\/p>\n Waiting for an appointment with you, my beloved barber<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I think learning to express my feelings in this way has helped sharpen up my Sound Offs. Judge for yourself…<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere to, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEdminston Drive, here we come. Help yourself to a squirt of hand sanitiser. I like your face mask, by the way. Did you design it yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cLooks cool. Shows personality unlike the green medical ones…although…when I wore one I liked to think I looked a bit like an ER era George Clooney.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s a bit cheeky.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo need to apologise. My dad said something similar but he wasn\u2019t as polite. Said I looked more Looney than Clooney.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHa-ha. Strangely enough I said something similar back to him.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCompared him to George from George and Mildred.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou know the 1970\u2019s sitcom.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo, it won\u2019t have aged well. They\u2019ll be removing it from the archives as we speak.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYeah, he is a bit. He still listens to Rod Stewart on vinyl and most of his jokes could still make it into a George and Mildred script. The Looney\/Clooney joke is actually quite funny for my dad.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHave you met him? He thinks its hilarious. It ruins my mum\u2019s Saturday evenings and my Christmas Night.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCos he forces us both to watch the Christmas special after we\u2019ve finished playing the newest edition of Taxi! Board Game.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOh. It\u2019s torture TV. As funny as a persistent cough in a pandemic…is it okay to make jokes about Coronavirus?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAbsolutely but we need more from politicians than sticking plasters and sloganeering to move to this new normal. They seem to come up with a slogan and photo op first and then design a policy around it. They need to think bigger. They need to use more imagination. They need to create a vision that offers a brighter future in the new normal. A vision of how we work, how we play, how we stay healthy, how we travel, how we educate …Oh…and critically…a vision of a new normal with Mrs Brown\u2019s Boys banished from TV schedules.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOK, maybe I\u2019m expecting a bit much there. What about banning it from Christmas TV only?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo, it shouldn\u2019t be too hard for the Beeb to come up with a new festive schedule. Football has had to reschedule their fixture calendar for two seasons because of Coronavirus.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I think it has been. There\u2019s even a new term they\u2019re using \u2013 calendar hardship. And it\u2019s been even harder in Scotland.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell, the Scottish FA want to finish last season\u2019s Scottish Cup so they\u2019re determined to fit the delayed semi-finals and finals into the calendar.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCeltic and Aberdeen play each other and Hearts and Hibs are in the other semi which is great for my sponsors at Taxi! Board Game.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThey have editions of the game for those four clubs. It\u2019ll give them a few new questions to include in updated editions.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cFunny you should ask. A Rangers edition will be launched later this year. Look out for it online and in shops soon.\u201c<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u00a0 that\u2019s my Christmas Night already taken care of… unless the politicians give me a reprieve.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cRight. Here we are. Edmiston Drive.That\u2019ll be \u00a36 please.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Hi folks I\u2019m not my usual self at the moment. Normally, I keep my deepest feelings to myself but, lately, I seem unable to quell my emotions. I\u2019ve never before felt this way for anybody. Ever. Not even for Lorraine. Feelings of ardour I have felt gently simmer inside during lockdown are bubbling …<\/p>\n