Hi Folks<\/p>\n
Queen Lorraine II\u00a0is pristine.<\/p>\n
As a Personal Transport Professional, I always take pride in my appearance and the cleanliness of my cab to give punters the best personal transport\u00a0experience. So, I\u2019ve filled my time off the road productively.<\/p>\n
As a result, Lorraine is gleaming. You could eat your dinner off her flip up seats.\u00a0Queen\u00a0Lorraine II\u00a0will be officially relaunched as a personal transport carrier at a small end of lock-down ceremony with a few invited guests and a celebratory bottle of beer or two. \u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve also been playing board games to keep me busy. Even though I live on my own I can still enjoy playing the Taxi Board Games. The beauty of playing against myself is that I am guaranteed to win. The downside is nobody hears my eloquent Sound Offs.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m not the only one playing board games for a bit of traditional entertainment. Sales of board games and puzzles have soared 240% during lock-down as we all try\u00a0to stay sharp when we need to stay indoors. \u00a0<\/p>\n
But even board games have not been as popular during lock-down as Zoom.\u00a0 The teleconferencing app has been criticised for security flaws but I have taken appropriate security measures to protect the privacy of my dad in my latest Sound Off on Zoom…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere to Mr. Meldrew.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s at least a\u00a0few quid in the charity swear box. How much is mum charging these days?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s inflation for you. You\u2019ll need to re-mortgage the house after that outburst. Mum did warn me you were even grumpier than usual.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I\u2019m not\u00a0sure\u00a0getting grumpier counts as personal growth. You need to learn how to become more attuned to your feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean I need take a look at myself? I\u2019m very well balanced with high emotional intelligence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope it’s not an infatuation. It\u2019s simply a healthy admiration and respect for\u00a0the Queen of Morning Television.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFacing this way helps with my Cabbie Fever.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u201cOh. It\u2019s the lid from my wok. It\u2019s about the same size as my steering wheel. I tried to put the steering wheel cover from my cab on but it doesn\u2019t quite fit.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not having a mental breakdown. It\u2019s my wee joke on mum. Don\u2019t\u00a0tell her. I\u2019ll see how long I can keep it going with her. Thanks for your sensitivity by the way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook. Look into my eyes. You can see I\u2019ve not gone all Travis Bickle.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cWait. I\u2019ll move a bit closer to the camera.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh. Sorry. Snot shot. Zoom hazard.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTravis Bickle is the main guy from\u00a0Taxi Driver\u00a0the Robert De Niro film.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should. It\u2019s a classic. But probably best not watch it with mum. Robert De Niro is proper scary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTop 5 Robert de Niro films. That\u2019s a tricky one.\u00a0Taxi Driver\u00a0obviously. Ooh! It\u2019s hard to pick just five,\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Definitely Raging Bull. He got an Oscar for that. And you have to include The Godfather.\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah he was. Part 2.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYep. I agree Goodfellas. Another Gangster classic. And last spot must go to another classic of its Genre.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Not Cape Fear. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s another Fiver in mum\u2019s Charity Swear Box,\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI bet it is. You could cover your lock-down swear box debt by pausing your Sky Sports subscription.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNah. No point without the footy and golf being on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I\u2019m the same. The footy gives a structure to your week Champions League \u2013 Tuesday and Wednesday. Europa League Thursday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly. Although the Friday night games threw me for a bit. You know, a bit like a Bank Holiday Monday does.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s no chance footy will be starting again soon. I reckon we\u2019ll all be social distancing for months. Actually, I\u2019ve just had an idea. You know how they are trying to work out how to finish the season?<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve heard loads of different options. None of them good. But I think I have the answer. They should finish this season with a new form of football.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSocial distance football.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. like your walking football\u00a0 except players are allowed to run just as long as they stay 2 metres apart\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell for a start fouls would be given for players encroaching the Social Distance zone and snorting snot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know like the pro\u2019s do with one finger.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah it is disgusting but it\u2019s a skill too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is. Whenever I tried it I left a trail of green down the front of my top. I reckon the pro\u2019s\u00a0must\u00a0have snot snorting drills they do regularly to hone the technique.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u201cHa-ha. And it would need to be a straight green card for snot snorting.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cVAR would still be needed. Accept it dad. It\u2019s here to stay. The guys in charge of the game\u00a0just need to learn from all the controversy and align the laws of the games and the use of technology so that players aren\u2019t offside just because their bootlace came undone and was flapping in the wind. And you know it shouldn\u2019t be as difficult as they\u2019re making it.<\/p>\n
First FIFA lawmakers must update laws for offside, penalties and serious foul play to take into account the technology now available. Then it\u2019s over to National Football Associations to work out how to use VAR consistently across leagues to help refs get the big game\u00a0decisions for goals, penalties and sending offs, right. And the underlying principle should be that the final decision is always made by the match referee using a pitch-side monitor.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah Sound Off over. And don\u2019t\u00a0call me Sepp. That\u2019s worthy of another donation to mum\u2019s swear box.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I\u2019ve just invented Social Distance football but VAR could be even more important.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a start the referee would need help to make sure players followed Social Distance football laws. I bet the VAR techy guys could put a circle around each player on screen with a 2 metre radius and play would be stopped any time a player encroaches.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright. It would mean endless VAR reviews. There must be another way to make it work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI like your thinking. There\u2019s nothing wrong with going a bit old school but I\u2019m not sure attaching giant hula hoops to players is the answer. But what might work is bubble suits.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s another charity box donation. And it\u2019s not as stupid as hula hoops. They already use bubble suits at kid\u2019s parties.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. No. No. I\u2019ve got it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLucky for you you\u2019re not going to have to wait. I have the perfect solution which also uses the wonders of modern technology.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPatience. Just building a little anticipation\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGeez Mum is right about your grumpiness. You ready…the\u00a0players could have parking sensors built into their tops.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know like in a car. The players would hear the sensor beeping quicker when they get within 2 metres of another player.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cGive me a chance to explain. So 4 metres would be like a single Beep, 3 metres would be a double Beepbeep, 2 metres would be a continuous Beeeep.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait. Even better. When they get inside two metres the sensor would trigger an electric shock.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust a wee one. A tingle rather than a shock.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think they would prefer a few volts than wearing a giant hula hoop.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cObvioulsy, it wouldn\u2019t be the same but it would fill a gap and help us remember what day it is. And Scotland would be better at Social Distance football.\u201d \u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a start our players would have 2 metres to control the ball. All the good teams would lose the advantage they have over us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, still not enough space for him. He\u2019d need a hula hoop the size of the centre circle.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah who needs Stuart Cosgrove and Tam Cowan. Did I tell you about the time I had them in the back of my cab?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve had bigger tips but the worst thing was I couldn\u2019t get a word in edge ways.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah their punter banter was better than most but it\u2019s a bit rude not letting the cab driver Sound Off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell amongst cabbies Taxi cab banter hogging is a social taboo, like somebody coming to your party and not bringing a bottle.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah I like them on the radio too. More than I like them in the back of my cab.\u00a0The Taxi Board Game guys had a slot on their radio show once.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you think they were talking about, climate change? They were promoting their board games.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ve got a few editions already. Celtic was their first football edition and they\u2019ve got Hibs, Hearts, Aberdeen and the Scotland national\u00a0team.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBrighton and Hove Albion so far in England.\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. They do rugby too. Scotland and England.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGolf? Funny you should say that. Oh.\u00a0\u00a0That\u2019s the time up message popped up. Time zooms when you\u2019re having fun. Stay healthy dad.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hi Folks Queen Lorraine II\u00a0is pristine. As a Personal Transport Professional, I always take pride in my appearance and the cleanliness of my cab to give punters the best personal transport\u00a0experience. So, I\u2019ve filled my time off the road productively. As a result, Lorraine is gleaming. You could eat your dinner off her flip up …<\/p>\n