My fiancee and I are making big plans.
After a more than a year in some sort of lockdown, we’ve decided our wedding day will be a double celebration to mark the beginning of our life long union and the start of the ‘new normal’.
Unfortunately, the three mainstays of what appears to be the ‘new normal’ are not an option for me: I drive a taxi so can’t work from home, I live in a flat so can’t build an extension and I suffer fur allergies so I can’t buy a dog. However, I won’t be completely left behind in a pre-pandemic dark age. I will keep home baking.
My newest skill learned in lockdown will be put to good use for our wedding day. I’m already busy tweaking the design and perfecting the recipe of my Taxi wedding cake.
Cutting the cake will form part of our Wedding Day Pathway to boisterously burst into married life. There will be 6 key phases:
Phase 1 – The Ceremony. We only move out of this phase when the bride has been kissed.
Phase 2 – The Meal. We only move out of this phase when somebody has laughed at a joke in the Groom’s speech. This could be the longest phase in the pathway.
Phase 3 – The Cake. We only move out of this phase when the Taxi cake has been cut.
Phase 4 – The Dancing. We only move out of this phase when a drunk Uncle has led a conga out the fire exit door.
Phase 5 – The Singing. We only move out of this phase when the Father of the Groom has finished wailing to Sailing
Phase 6 – Our New Normal. Life begins as a married couple but without a dog.
This is a deliberately carefree approach which guests will be urged to comply with to ensure the Enjoyment rate remains >1. This means there will be an exponential increase in fun on our wedding day.
We are very optimistic, helped by the successful roll-out of coronavirus vaccines, that we can move into Our New Normal on Saturday 28th August. Those aged over 60 will be the first to receive invitations.
Hopefully, we won’t be forced into any embarrassing U-turns on our wedding plans. The vaccination programme actually seems to be going well and I’ve been taking a few over 70’s for their jabs. Read on for my latest Sound Off (cabbie punter privilege applied).
“Hello. Are you in ok? Got your seatbelt on?”
“Right we’ll get going then. You’re going to the Medical Centre?”
“I said ARE YOU GOING TO THE MEDICAL CENTRE?’”
“Yeah, I know it’s been terrible but there’s light at the end of the tunnel now. And the weather’s getting better too.”
“You were wiser staying indoors. I had a serious vehicle accident.”
“No, not in my taxi. On my sledge.”
“Well, me and my dad normally meet up to play golf.”
“Yeah, we’re still allowed to do that for daily exercise. But the course was closed cos of all the snow.”
“I said THE COURSE WAS CLOSED BECAUSE OF SNOW.”
“Yeah, I should have stayed indoors and watched the lovely Lorraine too but me and my dad thought it would be a good idea to meet up to go sledging instead for our daily exercise.”
“No, your hearing aid’s fine. I did say sledging.”
“We already had one. It’s been hanging up in my dad’s garage since I was a kid.”
“No, my age wasn’t the problem. My weight was though. And my competitiveness.”
“Well, cos I’m a bit heavier now than when I was a lad, my sledge wouldn’t budge from the top of the slope unless I was pushed.”
“It was a bit embarrassing. My dad had to give me a push”
“Yeah, good exercise for him too but then once he got me started I accelerated downhill like an articulated lorry down a bobsleigh track.”
“You know the big sledges at the Winter Olympics. And then I challenged a couple of cocky kids laughing at me to a race.”
“No, your hearings aid’s still working. I was determined to win so I thought I would go down skeleton bob style.”
“Oh that’s when one person goes down the track head first on a tiny tin tray.”
“Seemed like a good idea at the time so I lifted up my sledge and when my dad dropped his hanky to signal the start of the race I took a running start and jumped on my sledge.”
“The two kids got off to a faster start but lying streamlined on my stomach I picked up speed quickly and had just overtaken them when I hit the lip of the bunker on the 15th fairway.”
“Yep, just like a ramp. I soared through the air like a handsome Eddie the Eagle and then after a few exhilarating seconds of flight I landed with a thump.”
“Yep, just like Eddie.”
“Well I thought I had when I heard a loud crack and felt a searing pain but luckily the crack was my sledge breaking and not my arm.”
“No, I’m sure your arm will be fine after your jab. Here were are. That’ll be £3 please. I’ve knocked the initial charge off for people getting jabs.”