Sound Off Sam 10 – Dinner Party
It’s been a strange summer dodging downpours and staying safe from coronavirus. Unfortunately, Government guidance on staying healthy has been as changeable the weather. Politicians are as uncertain in their response to a pandemic as I am flustered by flirtatious behaviour on a first date.
I gave up on weather forecasts and took a brolly but I still carefully read Government guidelines. Studying the route map out of lockdown is a lot harder than preparing for my taxi driver exam.
An important question in any route map exam would be a coronavirus restrictions equivalent of the The Dream Dinner Party discussion. My Dream Dinner Party invitees were unaffected by Government guidelines. It was always an intimate affair with only three guests – my mum, my dad and the guest of honour…lovely Lorraine Kelly from morning telly. Instead, developments in my relationship with Susie the Counsellor, made me reconsider my guest list.
My dad has been relegated from my Dream Dinner party to my Nightmare Tea party with kids at the kitchen table. He will now need to food fight over pizza slices, oven chips and ketchup with Kevin from Home Alone, Bart Simpson and the creepy kid who sees dead people in that film with Bruce Willis.
Dad’s Dream Dinner party demotion follows Susie and me reaching another important milestone in our relationship. We felt it was time for her to meet the parents. After studying the route map out of lockdown, we concluded, although we couldn’t be certain, that I was allowed to host a dinner party for four as long as we all washed our hands, remained socially distant and didn’t sing. I strictly enforced the guidelines when, at the end of the meal, Dad joined Rod Stewart in a rendition of ‘Sailing’ which I had considerately added to the playlist compiled for the evening.
I’m pleased to say the evening went well, even with Dad’s dated musical taste compromising my musical playlist and his bad jokes leading to the occasional awkward silence. As usual his jokes were mainly at my expense. I don’t mind though and give as good as I get. I feel Dad and me have a good father-son relationship but I was a little concerned at the quantity of notes Susie scribbled down throughout the evening. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t recording Dad’s one liners for a stand up routine. I’ll have to ask to read the thesis she is working on.
In between note-taking, Susie and Mum got on like Ballesteros and Olazabal in a Ryder Cup match. And they made a great Taxi Board Game pairing. After my dad was persuaded to put down the dessert spoon microphone and stop wailing to ‘Sailing’ we played the new Open Championship edition of Taxi! Board Game. Susie and Mum easily won. They were like Tom Watson in the Duel in the Sun at Turnberry in 1977. Dad and me were like Guy McQuitty at the same Open Championship venue in 1986.
I mentioned Taxi! Board Game was launching an Open Championship edition to one of my punters recently. It’s now on her Christmas list. Read on for my latest Sound Off (cabbie-punter privilege applied)…
“Where to, madam?”
“St. Andrews, here we come. Help yourself to a squirt of hand sanitiser. Sorry, we need to make a quick U-turn. Fastest way is back that way.”
“Nah, I ignore the horns. It’s Taxi Driver’s privilege to make U-turns wherever we like.”
“Yeah, pretty much. As long as it’s best for the punter. Everybody’s getting used to U-turns this summer anyway.”
“I know. Unbelievable. You couldn’t write it for a blog. And what makes it worse is they see one lot hitting a dead end, watch them make a U-turn and then decide to try the same short cut anyway!”
“Yeah, I get it’s difficult. But imagine sitting in the back of the cab if I drove like these politicians and their sidekicks govern the country. You’d be calling the police on me and I’d have to re-sit my cabbie exam.”
“Haha. I predict, with hard work, I would pass… then be downgraded to a fail by a flawed algorithm.”
“I’d be devastated. But following a public outcry and a screeching U-turn by the government I’d finally get a taxi exam certificate with my predicted result.”
“An ‘A’. I’d be daft not to!”
“Well, maybe a little. I’d tone down the celebrations a bit.”
“I wouldn’t book a holiday to Greece, that’s for sure. I’d maybe celebrate by going on a golf weekend with my dad.”
“Haha, No, not to Portugal… or West Dunbartonshire.”
“Maybe a weekend stay at Carnoustie and a game on the Championship course. Although you never know what’s in and out with Quarantine Hokey Kokey!”
“Yeah, it is. And do you know the name of the burn he was paddling in.”
“And, can you remember who won it that year?
“Correct again. You’re obviously a golf fan. You would love the latest Taxi! Board Game. The Open Championship edition will be available in shops and online soon. Right, here we are. The home of golf.”