Hi folks

The coronavirus shut down means my taxi cab is off the road but I’m determined to keep my Sound Off online. Think of me like as a slightly less fit Joe Wicks.

I’m doing my bit for the nation’s health as well. I’ve parked my cab in the garage for as long as it takes but it would be bad for my own health to keep my sound offs to myself. Did you know there’s research that shows the pressure from holding in a sneeze is enough to burst your eardrum or cause an aneurysm? I reckon I face the same risks from holding in my thoughts and opinions.

All off which makes my family the front line workers for my sound off health. Instead of zooming through town with passengers in my cab (Yeah. Ok. I’m taking a bit of artistic licence here) I’m Zooming through shut down with my mum and dad. They’ll deserve a neighbourhood clap after a few weeks of my shut down sound offs.

Here’s my first Zoom Shut down sound off…

“Where to mum?”

“Hah. You wish. I promise you’ll be my first fare when I’m back in the cab…whenever that is…and I’ll take you there”

“I’m well thanks. The only time I don’t feel well is when I’m watching the news.”

“I feel a tickle in my throat as soon as Sophie mentions coronavirus so I’ve stopped watching it.”

“Netflix and Good Morning Britain with the lovely Lorraine. The lockdown doesn’t seem so bad with Lorraine.”

“I haven’t set up Zoom wrong. It’s habit to talk facing this way. It just feels more comfortable for me.”

“I’m not turning round. This is a preventative measure, like social distancing.”

“No. I’m not being daft. Think about it. You’re worried about getting cabin fever if you’re locked in the house for too long, right?”

“Well I’m worried about cabbie fever.”

“It is a real thing. If I’m off the road too long I get all fidgety and restless and start sounding off to myself. You know a bit like Robert de Niro in my favourite film ever.”

“Taxi Driver, of course. What else would it be?  And you know a few punters have actually said to me the back of my head is my best feature.”

“Well. I take it as a compliment. It’s hard to look good from behind.”

“Yeah. I do look pretty good in my blog picture.”

“Hey. It wasn’t that long ago I looked like that. I gave the guy who drew it a photo from a couple years back.”

“Ok. Maybe three. But everybody does the same thing online. I call it the Epixel of youth.”

“It’s a play on words. You know like the Elixir of Youth.”

“Och. Forget it. My banter is wasted on you. Do you know you get options to tart yourself up a bit on Zoom. You should try them.”

“Just a wee dig. And I’m still allowed those even after forgetting Mother’s Day.”

“I said sorry. I lost track of dates with all the Coronavirus stuff going on. You should be grateful though.”

“You should. I bet Boris Johnson’s mum wishes he had forgotten Mother’s Day instead of promising to pop round with a bunch of flowers during a pandemic.”

“No. I’m sure she’s fine. I think he realised after all the flack he took it wouldn’t be the best example to set the nation. My bigger worry is that he’s made the epidemic doctor, what his name…

“Yeah. Whitty. Chris Whitty. He’s got the coronavirus too.”

“He looks a lot geeky. I’m not sure I’d get much banter from him in the back of my cab. But the world needs more people like him. I want somebody clever and quiet in charge at the moment. What’s that line from the Bible…”

“No. The bible is not one of my strongest subjects but as I was about to say… ‘Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth’.

“I’m not getting all religious. What I was about to say before you interrupted again is that it should be updated for the mess we’re in just now.”

“To ‘Blessed are the Geek: for they will find the way to stop coronavirus’. We need the Geeks.”

“Not like him. He’s a baddie geek. He’s a like a Bond villain with an evil plan for world domination. We need a good geek.”

“Like James Niven.”

“Nooo. You’re thinking of the actor. You wouldn’t count him as a geek. James was the Medical Officer of Health for Manchester during the Spanish flu outbreak after the First World War. He was the first person to enforce preventative measures to stop the spread of disease.”

“Not many have, but was clever and quiet. His geekiness saved thousands of lives in Manchester.”

“Well I know a lot more about the city of Manchester than I do about the bible.”

“Funny you should say that. The Taxi Board Game guys think it would make an interesting edition too. Oh. That’s our Zoom time up. Enjoy your Zoom Zumba and remember to use Zoom’s epixel of youth.”

“My banter’s wasted on you. I feel cabbie fever coming on. Stay healthy mum.”